Edit: The red links aren’t dead links, BTW. I can’t figure out how to make them blue again. Whoops.
I was at the ripe age of 12 and had suffered through my 7th grade year at the ACE academy. At the height of the rampant boredom and indoctrination, I had joined the volleyball team and experienced a full three months of pure hatred for my whole body in which I punished it, trying to get it into a “normal” shape like “normal”, “popular” girls my age.
Think self-image can’t be any worse than it already is for teenage girls in public school? Think again! Because you have also have God and a father that thinks he’s the living mouthpiece of Christ and Dr. Phil and has every right to call you demeaning names and pinch your ass.
That’s not creepy at all, you old fuck. (He wasn’t being sexual with it, but…I’ve gone past the days where I’m putting “in all fairness” before mentioning his bitch ass notions of “fatherly love”.) Needless to say, I was sick of it all.
ANYWAY. Remember Yahoo! Music?
“Chelsea…Yahoo! Music still exists.”
Shut up, Jim. Fuckin’ Jim.
What I meant was…remember when Yahoo! Music was good?
When I was 12, it was 2005, and YouTube was still in its infancy and plesiosaurs roamed the Earth.
“No one’s going to get that joke.”
SHUT UP, JIM. I was listening and watching a sort-of radio broadcast online and watching music videos. This was a big deal considering we didn’t have that good of a PC and the buffering times were absolute murder. But then it randomly gave me one of the newer videos from a genre I didn’t know existed.
Oh, hey. Embed videos. How ya doin’?!
At first I was like, “What the heck is this?” (12-year-old me didn’t have quite as much of a filthy mouth as I do now) and then the beginning guitar riff started. Then the snare.
I hadn’t quite embraced the full meaning of the video and song yet, I just knew I was captivated by the sound.
And there’s just SOOOOO much of this song and video that could apply to my situation at the time and would be even more apparent eleven years later.
“There’s nothing better than a good lie.” Cheesy homemaker stereotype.
The cut of singer Amy Lee in her black sweatshirt with the hood up while two pretentious blonde bitches giggle at her sums up my whole social life at the academy.
The lyrics from the very beginning terrify and enrapture me, because it’s like she’s singing about my very life right at that moment:
Perfect by nature, icons of self-indulgence.
Just what we all need, more lies about our world that
Never was and never will be
Have you no shame?
Don’t you see me?
You know you’ve got everybody fooled!
Because no one at this academy took the blame for their actions. If you weren’t understanding something, it was your fault for not trusting that the Lord will give you guidance.
Thinking of the pastor and the principal of the school. “Have you no shame…that you’re perpetrating these lies? That you’re surrounding these children within a protective bubble rather than actually preparing them for the world?”
“Don’t you see me?” The feeling of being ignored despite your silent screams for help.
The black clothes. The black hair. The black nails. The tearful eyes.
I told you. I fucking told you that I was depressed.
Don’t you see me?
The parents didn’t know. No parents knew what exactly what was being taught to their kids.
You know you’ve got everybody fooled.
They thought they were saving us.
Oh, how we love you!
No flaws when you’re pretending…
Worshiping the Lord, worshiping the teachers.
Praying for God to make me perfect.
Why can’t I be perfect?
Why can’t I even be happy?
Why do I feel so lonely?
(cut to 1:56 of the video with the Japanese school girl get-up)
Those stupid fucking metaphors in the PACEs.
“Have you prayed for your PACE today?” Have I prayed for an inanimate sheaf of paper and ink stapled together? No, but I am praying that I don’t slit my own wrists with my protractor.
“Have you invited the Lord to use you for His Mission?” Didn’t know that I could be leased like a steam vacuum.
“Have you showed your love for the Lord this morning?” I got out of bed and listened to my father bitch and moan the whole car ride over. I’d rather cry for three hours and I guess I can pencil in the God’s love circle-jerk for later.
“Excuse me, are you who I think you are?” I barely know if I’m still alive, bitch. Fuck off.
The lyrics are being drowned out by the blonde bitches, but it goes,
Without the mask…
Where will you hide?
Can’t find yourself
Lost in your lie!
And the most powerful part of the song now for me is
I know the truth now!
I know who you are!
And I don’t love you anymore!
It never was and never will be
You don’t know how you’ve betrayed me
And somehow now you’re everybody’s fool
Never was and never will be
You’re not real and you can’t save me!
Somehow now you’re everybody’s fool…
And now you see how my love affair with this band began.
I bought their first studio album, Fallen, which was released on March 4th, 2003. They won Best New Artist over 50 Cent in the 2004 Grammys, which pissed him off to no end, but he actually came on stage to congratulate Amy Lee. Afterwards, 50 Cent was reported to have said, “I feel like I got jerked at the Grammys because I’m aggressive. I don’t understand how Evanescence got best new artist. I will never go back to the Grammy Awards ever in my career.” ”
Okay, I could understand that point of view if it was like Best Album of the Year, but you were both new and they liked Evanescence better. What a better way to completely tarnish your reputation than to be a complete sore loser. I mean, that’s not to say Amy Lee didn’t fire up at any other artist. They all do it at some point. She had some things to say about Christina Aguilera.
“I read somewhere that that Evanescence chick [singer Amy Lee] said ‘Christina says she’s promoting feminism, but sticking up for females is the opposite of what she’s doing’. It’s like, first of all, from what standpoint or viewpoint, you know? And second, just because I don’t like to wear dark, covered-up things all the time…” She trails off laughing “That’s just not me. You be a woman in your viewpoint,and I’ll be a woman in mine.”
I actually agreed with Amy on this, but that was before I came out of my indoctrinated mindset. I’m sure she feels the same way about how she reflects on what she’s said in the past. She’s posed with Taylor Momsen, lead singer of The Pretty Reckless. And that artist has certainly confirmed that I’m bisexual from that scandalous full album art of their very appropriately named album Going to Hell.
I will get utterly flagged if I post the full image, so just know that this isn’t the complete image and you’re welcome for the spank bank material.
The band and album is also amazing and has some very good relatable songs. They aren’t a Christian band. (Obviously, if the glorious ass on the album art is any indication.) If anything, they are the type of band Christian magazines and websites will warn young girls not to listen to. I am also fiendishly delighted that the cross is pointing toward her crack.
ENOUGH LESBIANING, GET BACK TO MUSIC
This was meant to be a story and it turned to porn recommendations. (Sort of.)
Right, back to the madness.
Speaking of Christian band…did you know that there was a Christian song on the Fallen album? However, Evanescence is not a Christian rock band. And the song isn’t exactly the norm in terms of Christian rock music…
Trigger: Mentions of suicide and my emo phase…*shiver*
Did you know this album sparked a bit of controversy in the Christian rock scene?
Within the article:
“According to Robin Parrish of Christian Music Central, the “recent statements” that Meltzer speaks of is likely a reference to this week’s edition of Entertainment Weekly, which has a feature article on the group. In the article, band member (and professing Christian) Ben Moody uses the “f”-word and takes Christ’s name in vain multiple times.
This comes in contrast to past comments made by Moody. In “Fallen”‘s liner notes, he thanked (among others) Jesus Christ, saying, “All the life left in me is you.” In an interview given to Stranger Things magazine in 2002, Moody stated, “The message we as a band want to convey more than anything is simple – God is Love.” Yet now, according to the EW article, Moody and Lee consider discussions of their faith in early interviews to be ‘youthful indiscretions.'”
I marked the most interesting part in red, just so you don’t miss the subtle sass given by that sentence. Oh, no. Young Christian kids will know that the word “fuck” is the word “fuck”. Save the nation.
That reminds me ANOTHER joyful article that a friend at the time gave me over Yahoo!Messenger (hnnnngggg, nostalgia)…
“In December 2004, Trevin and Melanie Skeens of Maryland, who had bought the album for their thirteen-year-old daughter, filed a class action lawsuit against Wal-Mart after hearing the word ‘fuck’ spoken during the song “Thoughtless“, a cover of a Korn song. The lawsuit claimed that while the album contained this explicit word, there was no Parental Advisory sticker on the package. It also claimed that this album violated Wal-Mart’s policy of not stocking music with explicit lyrics, and that the company had to be aware of the problem because the word was dubbed out of a free sample on the Walmart.com website. The lawsuit was resolved by court order of a deal which would allow those people who bought the album at a Maryland Wal-Mart location to receive a refund. Some copies have the Parental Advisory notice, yet other copies are still sold without it now.”
I would feel so sorry for that child. Dear Darwin, some parents are just so stupid, they should have never been allowed to breed. I would think the subject matter of the song, Thoughtless, would be more prevalent than the word “fuck”.
Also, technically, there were two swears.
Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it’s funny?
What the fuck you think it’s doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me
I want you crying with your dirty ass in front of me
So, Evanescence has been steeped in controversy since their first album. I would consider “Tourniquet” to be their most controversial song still.
I really shouldn’t write that joke.
You really shouldn’t read the comments, you’ll want to kill yourself.
Because this song…is about SUICIDE. *fanfare*
More specifically, it’s from the point of view of someone who’s just committed the act of suicide, is dying and bleeding out, and begging God for their entrance into Heaven.
I do not literally take the subject of suicide lightly, but in reference to my emo 13-year-old self, it’s more like I’m mocking that version of me rather than people who genuinely have suicidal depression.
If you were on the Internet regularly from 2005 to 2007, you would be blind to not have come across the dozens of “emo” quotations and glittery JPEG files before memes were called memes. This was when Myspace still existed and was still cool. If it was possible to salvage my old Myspace page, it would be a leap into a fucking time machine because I haven’t accessed that thing since I was fifteen.
Anyway, I was emo. Embarrassingly so. I flaunted how emo I was by dressing in all black, dying my hair black, painting my nails black. I did all the stupid HTML glittery punk profile codes.
I went to a Christian academy…and I was emo.
Moment of silence for Emo Chelsea.
Something else of importance happened during my 13-year-old emo phase, Evanescence’s second album The Open Door was released.
You know you’re obsessed with a band when…you bought a full album’s sheet music.
Check out that reflection glare, fam.
It’s not just for show…
Me playing the beginning of Lithium…
Well, my mind is honestly screaming, “NO YOU CAN’T UPLOAD THIS, THAT DOUBLE CHIN IS ATROCIOUS” and yes, I have very random things on my book shelf.
I’m uploading it anyway.
DEAL WITH IT, SELF-ESTEEM
Oh, now you’ve balled up in the corner crying…fuck’s sake.
So yeah, The Open Door.
No, Lithium isn’t a cover of Nirvana’s version, it is more like an homage. And if you were wondering if this song is mainly flats, yes. Yes, it is. So, that means the sheet music is EXTRA fun to read (wrongly). But I’m one of those infuriating people who learn mostly by ear and refuse to practice the gospel piano songs assigned by the piano teacher. Took seven years of piano but I’m still miserably inept at sight reading. (Hint: You actually have to practice the fucking scales you’re assigned. It’s simple until you have to do exercises with Bbmajor and I get enraged at my stupid fucking fingers for not wanting to do what I want them to do.)
But I did love piano. When I played songs I wanted to play, I mean. Not gospel songs and hating whenever October ends because that means Christmas music sheets out of the ass. If I ever have to perform 12 Days of Christmas for any reason, I will probably just see red and dismantle the piano. Why do I have to have six sheets for this? Just put Repeat until your ears bleed at the top as the recommended style/mood and save trees.
It was an outlet for my depression and rage coming home after school during those days. On particularly shitty days, I could go through an entire album song list playing piano and singing. Well, playing the chords anyway. Sometimes, I was too lazy to learn the whole sheet music (the parts where there would be other instruments I just fudged by rolling the chords). I still have trouble playing certain pieces while singing because I tend to focus on one thing instead of both at the same time–that’s confusing as hell, but anyway. I’d equate it to trying to rub your stomach while patting your head, but it’s more like your hands are retarded and don’t know what to do while your mouth is moving. It’s like my brain is going “I can’t do these things all at once, choose only one, I’m only one brain here” and but I’m other people can do it, why can’t I? Practice. Just do it over and over again until you’re screaming at your own stupid appendages for fucking up.
I did manage to teach myself the beginning piano intro to Good Enough. I probably still know it, because with playing music, it’s kind of muscle memory, you never really forget how to play. (Unless you get some sort of mental illness or deficiency.) You just have to remind yourself how by doing it.
How long is this fucking post? Looks like this is going to be a two-parter, ’cause…I’m bored now of typing.