Random to the point of near incoherence: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO –> infinity
Never a dull moment, this ripe year of 2017. And I’m afraid that we are still not quite out of the fire here in the United States of Assholes.
There are a multitude of stories to dish out, so settle in, fix yourself a large glass/bottle/entire vat of medicinal alcoholic beverage, and bite down hard on the pillow ’cause it’s going in dry.
Anybody that has completed 2nd grade English grammar knows that you put periods/full stops in between the fucking letters when abbreviating. Well done, Elisa Meyer. I bet you were one star child that at least used a plastic spoon when eating the Elmer’s Glue. That may seem like a petty gripe, but look who is the focal point of this article. The King of Petty, The One True Grimace, Vice President Yes Man, also known as Mike Pence.
Mike Half-Penny was recently in the controversial hot seat for refusing to dine with women that weren’t his wife. I bet his wife also has a glass cabinet with a deadbolt for Pence’s long since abandoned testicles. Is it just me or do I find there be sexism on both sides of the table? Surely, a marriage is built on trust, and not just their separate trust funds that Pence and his wife surely dug into as soon as the Hefty bags in the harbor sunk.
Mike Pence iterates that Christians are the most persecuted people in the world. I will now leave that statement hanging there like a black man hanging from a tree circa 1960 in the deep South.
Mike Pence, the Vice President of the United States of America, gave a speech to a large number of receptive Christian leaders at the World Summit in Defense of Persecuted Christians in Washington D.C. Pence repeated a common view prevalent among conservative Christians in U.S.: they are persecuted strongly for their Christian beliefs. The conference was organized by the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association.
World Summit in Defense of Persecuted Christians? No lie, I just started a draft of a dystopian timeline yesterday where radical Christianity takes over America. I was looking for just the right sort of stupid organization name and this is a gold mine!
But this is the real world and this organization actually exists, which makes it all the more worrisome. [Future Chelsea would like to remind Past Chelsea that the World Summit has always been a thing, but this one just happened to host a forum on the persecution of Christians. Future Chelsea would also like to tell Past Chelsea that she is a lazy fuckracket.]
This entire opening paragraph may make you look like you’re having a seizure reading it, because it’s making me roll my eyes and sigh more than when I–[the octopus in Chelsea’s brain has advised her against finishing this simile.]
In his speech, Pence said the Trump administration has earmarked the promotion and protection of religious freedom as a priority in U.S. foreign policy. He said the administration will advocate on behalf of individuals who are being persecuted simply for being a Christian. He turned to conference speakers who were present to share personal stories regarding persecution outside the country. The Vice President assured them, saying that they have prayers of the U.S. President. Christians suffering in Middle East have pushed Americans into fighting for their freedom and is the reason he was there that day.
Well, I used to be a Christian. Let’s do a comparison! I’ll start with how I’m currently being persecuted a female secularist, atheist, bisexual, liberal and then do a time-warp back ten years ago when I was still a brain-addled, porous bullshit sponge.
How I am persecuted today for being who I am:
- for being female: Planned Parenthood has been defunded in the U.S. because it was the only way to get an abortion *eyeroll*; it’s harder to get insurance companies to cover birth control if the reason cited in the paperwork applying for coverage and the CPT and ICD10 codes are not specifically to prevent pregnancy [(2) source for those that want to be bored to tears by American policies]; elderly, white Republican men tend not to take women seriously because they’re too impotent to tittyfuck them and that pisses them off–at least that’s my reasoning, because “I miss the old days when I could be openly racist/misogynistic/homophobic” isn’t enough to try to connect with them on an intellectual level.
- for being atheist: My whole family would sooner disown me than embrace the idea of an Earth more than 10,000 years old; my dad believes in the theologies of R.B. Thieme, and such “modernized” teachings is still fundamentalist ideology at its core, especially when it’s parroted from a 60-year-old buffoon in his ironic dismissal of “arrogant Christians” — this is the like Accelerated Christian Education’s Biology PACEs that preach that homosexuality is a learned behavior. You know what really seems to be a learned behavior? Religious ideologies as a whole. Not even ideology, because the word ideology would be assuming that the thought was a person’s own, which very often tends to not be the case. See, dear ole Daddy diddums, when you are boring me into a coma with the usual bullshit R.B. Thieme rhetoric, you are literally just relaying what one theologian has said. Over and over again. Just because you revere this pastor doesn’t mean he’s telling people anything different about the Bible, he’s just making it sound better. I will give R.B. Thieme his praise, he doesn’t actually sell his ministry tapes and such. But that hardly makes him any more believable in my opinion. You remember the term opinion? It’s what you usually take as a personal insult to your beliefs because you’re just a broken peanut shell held together with camel snot that you were tricked into thinking was actually Jesus glue. What the fuck am I actually talking about?
- for being bisexual: Can’t tell any of my extended family because they will then probably be more concerned for my soul than they have ever been since I was born; told my parents, mom says I can’t bring girls over–so, if I ever have the fortune of having a girlfriend, I’m going to bring her over anyway just to piss her off, and my dad can go die in a hole for all I care about his opinion about anything. I was actually bisexual before I turned atheist. Hell yes, I got fucking tired of people telling me I need to work to be as “Christlike” as I possibly could. You know, if the mission of being Christian is to be Christlike, then surely you should all be celibate till the age of 30, be whipped bleeding raw, crown of thorns jammed on your head like a secondary skull cap, then forced to carry your own cross to the top of Christianplace, Middle East Country (Irony Not Withstanding) and then nailed to the cross along with a thief and a similarly sinful dude on the right to make up the three cross Easter church play background. One minute, I need to a write an email to TLC about this crazy idea I just got for a reality show…
- for being liberal: I honestly think a majority of my old high school friends on Facebook have my posts blocked from showing up on their feed now. I don’t honestly care. I don’t care if you post bullshit Christian memes, but if you’re spamming, I’m blocking your ass. Not because of the stupid not-logic, because each one looks like a Myspace glittery JPEG from 2007 that’s been shared and shared so many times that the grain on the photos could be scraped off and made into a batch of shortbread cookies. I have been liberal even since I used to be a Christian. In my public high school days, I thought of myself as the “good” kind of Christian, the ones that didn’t hate gays. But I still believed that it was wrong to befriend atheists. For literally the sole reason of not liking atheists, I would snub them. So I was still in the attitude of “I’m a Christian, so I’m right”. But some people see being liberal, no matter what religion you are, as the future destruction of humanity. If you have watching US politics since the abominable election of 2016, everything is on fire and it’s the right-winged Christians’ fault. You’d be like, “That’s offensive!” Yeah…but also right? Who was the main demographic voting for Trump besides Russia? (Hurr hurr)
I rest my case.
*puts briefcase on table* HAHAHAHAHA *gets hit in the head with gavel*
Literally, by looking at this map…uneducated white people voted for Trump.
So when I call you a stupid Trump-supporting motherfucker, I will (hopefully) be right about most of that insult. I don’t actually call people names usually, but that’s more because I’m a social recluse and its less sweat-inducing to be nice.
How I was persecuted as a Christian:
- Since white Christian is the predominant demographic of the rural country South, it was very rare that someone persecuted me because I claimed to be Christian. The only real persecution I got was on an online forum and that was when I was still a naive 12-year-old regurgitating doctrine and the things I was taught in the Christian academy. While I was cyber-bullied about my poems being “emo bullshit” (like some jackass would literally post hurtful comments on everything I posted and tell me that I should just commit suicide–I feel like if it had been real life, he would have done far worse), I was also being the snobbish bully who got into arguments with atheists just for mentioning the “E”-word (evolution). The worst that I was called during those adventures was “ignoramus”.
- Have I ever seen a Christian being honestly persecuted? With my own two eyes, I mean? Unless you count Christians persecuting “fake Christians”. But no, I have never witnessed a Christian being fed to a lion. Or vice versa.
That was tedious. Time for a silly GIF to perk me up.
AWWWWW HE THINKS HE’S PEOPLE
“YES, I CAN DO DIS, I DO WEIRD KICKING DANCE LIKE HOOMANS”
Oh, you thought that was the only story? Nope. Lot more shit happened.
Can I just point out this horrifying grin?
She looks like the love child of Any Generic TV Evangelists’ Wife Ever and Cruella de Vil. I hope the Pope doesn’t have any cherished dogs…and locks up the communion wine. Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week.
Right, well. I can’t ignore the news press any longer…
As for her being appointed…eh? *le shrug*
There’s a difference between allowing people to have religious beliefs, but it’s shit like this that boils my blood.
If I stood before a crowd and announced that a phoenix Apparated into my bedroom and healed my misery by the power of phoenix song and one his feathers (yeah, TWO fandom references–also, mythology), I’d be comforted into a tight sleeve jacket and led to some nice nurses with syringes and Winnie the Pooh stories.
Little is it known that actor Oliver Hudson was very close to leaving the earth soon after he was born. What brought him back from the brink of death were the prayers of his mother, 71-year-old actress Goldie Hawn, then a non-believer, beseeched the powers of the universe to heal her son. Although she does not call herself religious, she insists she truly and firmly believes in God and that he is everywhere.
the tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one’s existing beliefs or theories.
The tendency to do (or believe) things because many other people do (or believe) the same. Related to groupthink and herd behavior.
Also, one I would like to coin one called “Post-Desperation Confirmation Coincidence” or the “Pseudo-Miracle”. I would describe it as “the cathartic euphoria of a pre-conceived notion before the outcome of an event coincidentally believed to be the cause of the outcome”. To make that less confusing because even my own mind is like, “Wait, what? Does this make sense?”
Oh, God…high school AP Psychology course. Brain, where have you stored these files?
Cause and effect. What was the actual cause for Oliver Hudson’s survival? Medicine? Life-saving surgery? How can I put that in terms of an indirect variable?
“Wouldn’t it be a constant variable?”
No, brain. A constant variable would be a variable that wouldn’t change, but may skew the outcome of an experiment. Like someone trying to take an exam, but there was a mitigating circumstance keeping the student from being able to focus like the teacher having sex with the librarian on the desk in front of him.
Hormones: “Go on…”
Sigh. I mean, the room was very cold and keeping the student from being able to comfortably take his exam…well, warmly take his exam with his mind focused on the–
Hormones: “Like the teacher having sex with the librarian, I bet that would make the student warm, hurr hurr”
*takes brain out of skull cage and shakes it vigorously*
Damn thing was covered in glitter and gummy bears again, sorry about that.
Long story short, prayer is no way in hell directly correlated to increasing health. Sometimes, I think I would be on the doctors side about the ridiculous medical costs here in the US because if my medical expertise and prescriptions that saved a person’s life were being attributed to a deity that’s never risen more than my blood pressure in terms of overall physiological chemistries and other OBJECTIVE, TANGIBLE OBSERVATIONAL DATA that would indicate the patient was heading toward recovery.
Long story, couldn’t be fucked — Goldie Hawn, quit exploiting your child for press and shove your prayers up your shriveled old clam.
I hope 40k of that is for the costs of the altar boys rectum repairs.
*maxes out Offensive rating*
[Chelsea would very much like to give a predictable offensive comment about radical Islam and Trump, but would not like to be cited for terrorism because that’s a thing. Kindly pretend she made the joke and that it was hilarious.]
Whuh oh. *gets popcorn*
First and second graders at Bartlett City Schools in Tennessee were engaging in a bible club each day before classes began. Altruria Elementary School students took part in sessions that had them discuss Christianity and the Bible in small groups and head for their classes soon after.
Now, I would have thought that this was a bit much, but 1st and 2nd graders? That’s 6 and 7-year-olds. I’ve never heard of public primary schools having social clubs, because below the age of 10, children are pretty much constantly instructed by their teachers. When I would arrive at public primary as a child, we had to wait in the gym in lines so the teachers could check off attendance. Then we were led to the classroom.
Also, I doubt a child would want to honestly attend a Bible class willingly. No child has the natural inclination of their own will to want to learn about religion. Such thought and action is given to them by their parents and by them taking the child to church to go to Sunday school and other activities. No baby is born a Christian. You may sprinkle water on their head and christen them in stupid frilly robes, but they do not develop the ability to think abstractly and philosophically until early to late puberty. I was an early bloomer, but I also went through puberty at the Christian school. That was delightful. Kind of like being stabbed in the uterus with a blunt knife and being told that embracing the pain made God happy. God’s such a cunt. Hahaha, geddit,’cause…shutup.
Parents have not taken the closure kindly. The Brown family, for example, responded by contacting an attorney who works with the Center for Religious Expression. Expressing shock and anger, the family explained that their two children were looking forward to engaging in the bible club’s activities during the 2017-2018 school year and its removal had caused them disappointment. In their opinion, the organization is not unconstitutional since its operations are elective and occur before lessons begin.
AT LEAST BE FUCKING HONEST.
The children probably don’t fucking give a shit! Or they used to not before you became impressionable enough to get your name in the news!
Also…”attorney…Center for Religious Expression?” That’s another one for the dystopian thriller.
In a statement to the press, Nate Kellum explained that the removal of the club would waylay children’s Christian belief and give them a negative attitude towards taking part in church activities. He said, “The message they are sending these kids is there is something terribly wrong with you wanting to meet and discuss the bible.” Mr. Kellum is a lawyer working with the Center for Religious Expression.
THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO CHOOSE FOR THEMSELVES.
SEPARATE BUT EQUAL. IT’S NOT IN THE CONSTITUTION BUT IT FUCKING SHOULD BE. I DON’T CARE WHO THINKS THEY’RE RUNNING THIS FUCKING COUNTRY, I’LL BE FUCKED IF I’M GOING TO LET SOME FUCKSKULLS DRILL THEIR MORONIC IDEOLOGIES INTO THE DEVELOPING MINDS OF THE YOUTH JUST TO CURRY THEIR OWN WARPED AGENDAS.
Excuse me…mama needs her juicy-juice.
And the sheep come to graze…
How about we host an Freethinker’s meeting in your gaping anus, Janet? Don’t worry, we’ll keep it down while you’re servicing your local church deacons with your God praising!
We actually have some good news…
Actually thought it was a radical Christian.
I’m so glad it’s not.
And I am, for the first time in many years, proud to be Virginian.
Hicks says the Bible is a “hateful piece of work which Christians try to turn around and they talk about love,” adding the put up that particular verse in the hope people would, out of curiosity, look for whether or not it is true in the Bible. He believes if people read the entire Bible, they will realize that preachers and pastors are telling them lies and that the Bible is not such a divine book after all. His idea is that people will realize how “offensive” the Bible really is. Hicks move is an attempt to shock people into action. While the verse may have moved some Christians into doing what he expected them to, he says he has often found people shouting obscenities at him and other drivers flipping him off.
I’m nearly in tears. Honestly. I thought that I was alone in this hick state. Of course, I’m not alone in liberal beliefs, but so many Christians will jump on the gun about how their Jesus is all about love. “Oh, but the Old Testament is just a record of old law”.
Then why do modernized Christians still PICK and CHOOSE verses and morals from the Old Testament? It’s more or often to defend their own bigotry.
Pastor Joey Anthony, from Mt. Pleasant Baptist Church, has come to the defense of the Bible saying the same person who wrote the verse which Hicks has painted, has also written that husbands must love their wives just as Christ loves the Church. He added that although the society in which Jesus lived considered women to be lower than men, Jesus himself raised women to a high position. Atheists, however, are not convinced these arguments are very strong because they believe that points such as the one that has raised this controversy, are direct in their meaning as well as implications.
Mount Pleasant? Oh, you.
That is not right, because the Bible wasn’t written by just one person. Thanks for playing, you win my contempt.
I bolded that because it’s actually a sound argument.
If you believe that the Bible is the actual word of God, whom you have to also believe exists to believe that the Bible is the word of God.
I’ll make this very simple for you…
a = not, lack of
theism = belief in the existence of deities
So, using logic, that means that atheism translates to “lack of belief in the existence of deities”.
So, if I don’t believe in deities, then anything that deity is claimed to have written is ipso facto not believed in either.
If Jesus did exist, he was probably nothing more than a fanatic cultist hated by the Romans.
Sorry if that offended you.
No, you know what. I’m tired of saying that.
I hope I offended you.
You know what offends me?
You telling me that I can’t be who I am and or hold power because of my gender.
Even worse, it’s that you hide such bigotry behind this mess of texts that have been translated and re-translated to the point of near absurdity.
I am so tired of hearing stories about human rights being violated because iterations upon reiterations of the same fucking stories given different gods has been skewed into this clusterfuck of racism and ethical dilemma.
I am done feeling sorry because you want to defend phantoms. The essence of nonexistence pushed to an extreme that is beyond the understanding of intelligent inquiry, this blatant dismissal of fact and evidence for your own delusional room of paper dolls within your own mind like a self-committed asylum patient.
If this has caused you to go into a tailspin of an existential crisis, I will apologize for that. Such a process is painful, and I wouldn’t necessarily call is essential to survive, but sometimes the deconversion period is ultimately important if you want your understanding of the world and the universe to transcend what you’ve been taught to believe since you were a child.
And if you never wanted to feel this way or to leave your faith, I am sorry if I jerked the band-aid off too soon.
However, if you believe that you can’t live on without your faith like you’ve been taught or forced to believe…I know what that feels like. I once believed that I would never be happy because I allowed myself to be depressed. It’s that kind of brainwashing effect that narrows the Vinn diagrams and twists the circles into squares and then into triangles and soon it’s line segments. You learn that Point A connects to Point B but you’re taught to ignore the fact that there are simpler means and more complex means to solve a problem.
I got so used to filling in the blanks that when I was presented with questions that began with “why”, “how”, “when”, etc., that I would look around to see if I misread the instructions. And when I was given no instructions, just told to answer the question how I would, my mind would be as blank as the stretch of white paper under the question.
Religious education teaches you that you are wrong and the religious instruction is the truth. So, you believe that your thoughts are wrong. Even if you do think you have the right answer, you have no confidence in knowing that because critical thinking and asking “why” used to be condemned. Or worse, you could have overconfidence and biases that will seem normal to you, but abnormal and sometimes offensive to others.
As a ten-year-old in the Christian academy, it was about maybe four months into the curriculum, we learned in class during devotion that the drawing of a fish upon the sand like below, known as the ichthys
was the symbol used by those in Biblical “history” to tell others that they were Christian. (At least, that was what the supervisor taught us.) So, late one night, I drew the symbol for my dad and he said he didn’t know what it was and I said something along the lines of, “If you don’t know what it is, then you’re not a Christian.”
Child logic. It’s silly, but sometimes tells a lot about they’re learning at school.
That should have been a warning sign, but my dad has a terrible memory, at least when it concerns the traumas he’s inflicted.
Let’s round out the post to an even 5000 words and cheer the fuck up by posting some off-topic articles of note. And for the hell of it, I will choose from Fox News, because that’s always grounds for snark.
Oh, Fox. You make it so easy for me. Thank you.
I agree, Americans need to understand what being American means.
Here’s how you can check if you’re an American or not:
- You were born in America.
- You are registered as a US citizen.
- You have eagles instead of clothes-pins for drying your XXXXXXXXXXL American flag and camouflage attire.
- You have guns instead of window curtain hangers and the skins of Mexicans instead of curtains.
- Every book in your house is the Bible and books that are not the Bible are just decoration to make guests think that you can read above a ninth grade level.
- You go to church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday evening, Saturday picnic and sometimes Tuesdays when you’re molesting the children’s choir. Shhh, it’s in a church, so it’s okay.
- You have a pickup truck and two rebel flags hanging from the mirrors, but you also have lifted tires to REALLY let the ladies know that you really don’t have anything going on below.
- You insist that your black neighbors are your friends and even put your rebel flag face down in the yard for at least a week during Black History Month. Because you’re not racist, at least not ALL the time.
- You absolutely LOVE to mow your grass and absolutely enjoy telling your kids all of those fun hours of fixing your lawn mower.
- You tell your goth daughter that she will never be loved because she’s fat and doesn’t like country music and that’s against God’s law.
That got heavy. This was supposed to be slightly light-hearted, in a black humor kind of way.
There, made it better.
How about…you try not to lie to them at all?
I’ve never been in a relationship, but I know from any intimate relationship, friendly or amorous, that lies are not a sturdy foundation to base it on.
OK: If you don’t like his new shirt
So, his homemade chicken Parmesan wasn’t exactly Michelin-star quality. Or maybe you hate the new shirt he’s so excited about. Feel free to keep these inconsequential thoughts to yourself, Hokemeyer says. In cases like these — where you might unnecessarily end up hurting his feelings — it’s OK to be less than honest. Besides, he cooked! Don’t ruin this for yourself.
Don’t be a petty bitch. Got it.
Though I would have a problem if the dude or dudette looked too sexy in the shirt.
Then I would have to take it off and just ban clothing for the rest of the evening.
I’m so lonely.
OK: Past sexual escapades
Your S.O. likely knows how many people you’ve been with and a bit about your ex of five years, but that’s about all they need to know when it comes to prior flings, O’Neal said. College spring break hookups or that one time you debated entering an amateur pole-dancing contest aren’t must-share stories. “Marry someone you could tell that kind of stuff to and would think that it’s funny,” she says. “But when you’re lucky enough to be with someone for a long time, they will have time to find stuff out if you want to tell them.”
Eh, what if the past sexual escapades could indicate a partner’s fidelity though? Because, all due respect, I don’t think I would ever want a relationship with someone known to just “hit it and quit it”. I mean no offense to those that do hook up, but I guess this is more of my tormented past still calling the shots.
I’ve known girls that have lost their virginity at fifteen, even lower, and learning that back when I was in my Christian fundamentalist mindset, this was a violation of God’s law. But I still can’t rationalize teenagers having sex so young even today. I mean, teens mature physically, but not everyone matures along with their body. I know this very well if my past history of my father is any indication. I am 23 years old, almost 24, and he still lapses into mocking baby talk with me when I get upset. He is an immature fifteen year old boy in an impotent 60-year-old man’s body. And if I have to explain the impotent part, I’m going to cringe myself inside out. (No, not THAT kind of abuse, calm down. It’s just that he tells me way too much information about his past and I nearly want to vomit when I think of it.)
I’m still exploring the pink part of the spectrum. I meant that in terms of gender and sexuality, but that had sapphic undertones. I don’t know how a girl makes it known without publicly and loudly making it known that she’s into girls. ‘Cause down in the deep South, people are stupid and think what other people do with their genitals is their business. Some dumbass dudebros want to be like, “Bet I could turn you straight!” When in all reality, he’d probably only make me more lez. He might have a chiseled jaw like a museum marble Adonis, but lesbi honest.
I’m sometimes in doubt of my sexuality but I tend to get reconfirmed during yoga pants season…
Also, I’m reminded that I really need to get in shape if I want to get on her shape.
ANYWAY. Any more stupid news?
Someone’s not smart.
We say, with some fear of sudden and urgent correction, that today marks something of an anticlimax.
After nine consecutive days of chaos – beginning with President Trump’s firing of FBI Director James Comey, continuing with Trump’s admission that he fired Comey in part because of the agency’s investigation into Trump’s campaign, the revelation that Trump shared state secrets with the Kremlin and concluding with the appointment of a special counsel – there is quiet.
Well, damn. Got my vibrator out for nothing. What am I going to whack off to now?
RUSSIANS? NUT? JOB?
I’ll be in my bunk.